“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah