I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
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I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
that lip filler tho
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.