me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
True
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]