G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.