Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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welcome back
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am