Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.