Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …