Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you