[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.