Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
How actors in movies eat their food
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok