I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
good work, detective
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”