do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.