Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Still a very good boi….
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.