Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Meow
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen