I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.