Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.