i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.