My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
What number SPF blocks people?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon