Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
You Might Also Like
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures