I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
me adding lol on a serious message
Mountain Goat : )
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.