I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.