Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.