My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️