Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.