*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Just me?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.