Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*