Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real