(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.