‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich