relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Woke up against my better judgment again
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?