(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
i did the math
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.