Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.