I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror