DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor