[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
🤣🤣
Science memes
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Grandmother clock.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.