When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.