Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
When your man makes a valid point
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.