”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Noah was an idiot.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford鈥檚 cousin
How long do you have to wait between naps?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: ooh baby do you know what that鈥檚 worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there鈥檚 no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won鈥檛 even be any follow-up questions.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I鈥檓 gonna nail this chick鈥檚 eardrum!
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don鈥檛 underst鈥攊t鈥檚 2:15, you can鈥檛 have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I鈥檓 threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
willy wonka: it鈥檚 a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.