[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”