guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.