Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
This raises questions
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?