I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.