We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I will never stop laughing at this
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.