Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.