Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Cat is stressing him out.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Called it
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.