i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled