It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”