Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
life finds a way
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back