I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide