Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
This is a sub tweet
motivation
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG